After Cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model it became painfully obvious that the show was pretty easy to figure out. Did this stop me from watching it? Hell no. I can’t go without my weekly dose of crazy Tyra Banks. As any college student knows, the way to make something more interesting is to just add alcohol. My friend Meghan invented the America’s Next Top Model drinking game, perfect for any girl’s night in:
Take one drink if:
-Tyra says something crazy
-Tyra says something about Tyra
-A girl calls another “bitch”
-A girl says the word “ghetto”
-Girl trips on the runway
-Tyra says to “smile with your eyes”
-Girl cries about how hard life is for her
-Miss Jay rolls his eyes back and gasps
-Accidental racist remark made by a white girl
-Janice makes a disgusted face (note that yes, Janice’s face is always disgusting, but you know what we mean)
-The word “fierce” is said
-Someone claims “This is my dream!”
-A girl is criticized as being “too commercial”
Take two drinks if:
-Tyra says something about the “dark side of modeling” or the “ugly side of fashion”
-Previews show something crazy happening but it’s just a trick
-Girl mentions her baby at home
-Girl accidentally comes out about her sexual orientation
-Miss Jay/Mr. Jay make awkward gay advances/flirting on straight men
-Girl stars a sentence with “In my country…”
-Girl tries to explain herself by repeating the same words over and over
-Girl says “I’m not here to make friends”
Finish drink if:
-Tyra fakes an injury/illness as a way of tricking the girls into learning something new (aspect of modeling, upcoming trip, impending photo shoot theme, etc.)
-Girl comes down with a mysterious illness before a major photo shoot.
Have fun, and drink responsibly!
Facebook gives people the opportunity to portray themselves in anyway they want-which is why most people take angled shots that hide their muffin top, list their career as “fashion consultant” instead of “Macy’s minimum wage employee”, and never say what they really mean in their update statuses:
“Men are dumb, totally done with them for the rest of the year!”
I’m single look at me look at me look at meeeeeee!
“Thinking of doing something crazy! Who wants to come??”
I’m going to log off Facebook chat and eat cheetos while watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model.
“What a crazy night.”
Please ask me about my night, at which point I will get an ego boost from the attention but only respond with, ‘Dude it was nuts, I was so wasted’ and never actually explain anything.
“I have the most amazing boyfriend/girlfriend!”
Take that, ex!
“I’m so tired/hungry/bored.”
I’m so tired/hungry/bored but also too lazy to leave Facebook.
“So done with this drama. Eff off, you crazy bitch!”
I thrive off drama, but am afraid of confrontation, so I hide behind Facebook.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, please forgive me…”
I did something dumb and regret it, but instead of being mature, I’ll air my dirty laundry on Facebook so that people can comfort me because I am vain.
“Meaningful quote”
Look at me I’m deep!
“Homework/class/school”
There is nothing else worthwhile in my life to post about.
“Going to the gym!”
Feel free to notice that I am really muscular next time you see me, since you know, I’m going to the gym. THE GYM!
“(insert moral or political issue/figure here) is SO DUMB!”
I have strong opinions but will not post anything logical or coherent about them. If you post something that is opposing my view in response, I will respond with ‘yeah well its different ya know’ or something equally vague, which just shows I know nothing about this issue.
“Drinking!!!”
Just want everyone to know I’m partaking in festivities, and totally not sitting around being boring. Ignore the obvious fact that I am doing something social, however occupying myself with Facebook.
Dear Dr. Sangfroid,
There are quite a few states pushing for or are already enacting Abstinence-Only sex education. Do you think this is a good approach to cutting down on teen pregnancy, sexuality issues, and STDs? I’m concerned that if children are not learning about forms of birth control or how STDs are spread, they’ll grow up to be herpes infested, pregnant, confused adults.
Sincerely,
Mississippi Resident
Dear Mississippi Resident,
Everyone knows that the more knowledge a person has, the more power they have. Which is why evil knowledge, such as science, dinosaurs, and sex is what causes a person to be evil (like Hitler or the gays). The fact of the matter is, if we teach children about sex, all they are going to do is have it. Hormones are a myth. A woman shouldn’t even know that a penis exists until she is married at a proper age (20 if you’re in Mississippi, 13 if you’re in a polygamist cult). If children aren’t taught how sex works, they won’t ever be able to figure out how to have it. People obviously can never adapt or learn new things unless they are explicitly shown, and obviously they will surely never figure out that tab A goes into slot B despite that people and animals have been doing it naturally for thousands of years. Duh!
As for birth control, that is an evil created by pro-abortionists who want to secretly make everyone have an abortion. Did you know that condoms secrete a poison into sperm AKA little babies? And that the birth control pill is a tiny baby-seeking bullet? And that if a woman uses any form of birth control, she will be made infertile and thus useless to men and society forever?
STDs also have no place in sex education. STDs such as herpes and syphilis are viruses that only affect those who are Muslim/Jewish/gay/have sex before marriage. In fact, scientists make you believe that STDs are diseases that can be treated and sometimes cured, but in fact everyone carries all STDs, and they are activated as soon you have premarital sex.
The media is trying to fill the world with lies, saying that places that teach only abstinence have the highest teen pregnancy rates, but that is all lies. It just so happens that Satan’s minions flock to certain states. No correlation, at all, nope!
In conclusion, abstinence-only education is the only way to keep our country pure. Remember on your wedding night, after you have disappointingly short and awkward sex that is followed by years of hating your own body, infidelity in an attempt to seek out enjoyable sex, and horrible communication with your partner, that it was all worth it!
Keepin’ it cool,
Dr. Sangfroid
The internet is the perfect place for people to research information, get in contact with friends and family, or waste time at work. Apparently, it is also the perfect place to let out your anger and totally flip out on people.
Halloween is coming, and you know what that means: Candy, booze, and costumes. Funny costumes, unique costumes, and of course…sexy costumes. Yes ladies, remember when you were 10 and wanted to dress as a fairy princess or a cheerleader? Well, you still do, except with a lot less fabric.
As Lindsay Lohan in the movie Mean Girls pointed out, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” which as far as I’m concerned, holds completely true. Why? Because it’s a day to dress as what you normally would not dress as.
Apparently, the internet is in a goddamn rage over this. Articles such as this and this berate “slutty” costumes, citing them as everything from impractical to a step backwards for women’s rights. Impractical? I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was spending this Halloween in the snow, fighting off wolves. And everyone knows women’s rights are completely determined by what we wear. That’s what we were fighting for, the right to…not wear what we want to? It’s ridiculously more demeaning for one woman to even resort to calling another woman ’slut’ or ‘tramp’ over her clothing. What happened to respecting personal style choice and even more, what happened to keeping your nose out of other people’s closets?
The problem that all these anti-slut-costume people see is that…oh wait, there is no problem. All it is, is pages of whiny bitches complaining about people wearing things that they don’t like. Seriously. There is not one goddamn legitimate reason to complain about slutty costumes on OTHER people. No one is making you wear a sexy costume.
Other complaints I’ve heard are along the lines of “If they can’t think of anything unique to wear then they are just dumb!” Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I had to put effort into my Halloween costume. Afterall, it is just one day out the year that frankly isn’t worth it to dedicate hours to thinking up, designing, and putting together a unique costume.
Honestly internet rage people, if you are that worked up about what other people are wearing, just stay inside your home and don’t talk. No one wants to be friends with someone who criticizes someone else’s wardrobe for no other reason than they don’t like it.
P.S.- If you are actually comfortable with your body and want to wear a sexy or cute costume this Halloween, check out Yandy.com for costumes!
Dear Dr. Sangfroid,
I am concerned with how often my children play violent video games. They are ages 10 and 14, and when I leave them at home alone I know they spend the whole day playing Halo or Call of Duty, two violence-centered video games. I often overhear them talking about “head shots” and “awesome guns” and even acting out the scenes from the games. With all the child and teen violence in America, I wondering if it is all because of video games?
Sincerely,
Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
Of course video games cause violence! Just like plastic swords at the Renaissance fair, angry lions at the zoo, and MTV causes violence! Everyone knows children obey only one thing: the media, which is filled with violence.
Some people claim solid parenting, a positive presence of a mom or dad, and the teaching of good morals and right from wrong are what helps a child differentiate between violence in video games and violence in real life, but everyone knows that’s just crazy talk. The truth is, children and teenagers are absolutely incapable of telling the difference between video game violence and real life violence. In fact, thousands of children and teens die each year from attempting to perform tasks they see in video games, such as flying, casting magic spells, fighting dragons, and doing a 360 kickflip on a skateboard.
There is only one way to prevent your child from becoming violent. First, here are some ways that won’t work:
-Talking to your child about violence
-Monitoring what video games they purchase
-Restricting what movies they see according to age
-Being a part of your child’s life
-Teaching them right from wrong
Here is the absolute only way to guarantee that your child will never become violent and shoot up their school:
-Take away all TV, movies, video games, zoo trips, cell phones (they could be texting other violent children), computers, internets, books, and animals.
-Isolate the child from all human interaction.
-Protest video games and whenever a child does something violent, immediately find a reporter and tell them you saw that child playing a video game seconds before the incident.
Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid
With 4 chart topping hit songs, an undeniably unique sense of fashion, and more TV appearances than you can shake a stick at, musical artist Lady Gaga has become a household name. Some love her, and some hate her, but its impossible to avoid her. Known for her skimpy pants-less outfits and raunchy songs, Lady Gaga is making an impression on the musical industry and the youth. Is it a good thing, or is she promoting what some view to be a bad life style?
Though her songs and music videos usually depict lyrics and images of sex, lust, and risque activities, I don’t believe she is glorifying any of it-in fact, the presence of sex is made so casual that she turns it into what sex has become to much of today’s youth- a natural and common act.
The songs Just Dance and Love Game are both about being young, partying, and engaging in no-strings-attached sex. Some may say that by broadcasting casual sex in such a manner is glorifying it-but I disagree. A large portion of teens between ages 15 and 20 engage in casual sex, and while many people choose to ignore it or condone it, there are few who give comfort to teens (especially young girls) and educate them on casual sex. Lady Gaga comes forth in her songs and talks about -gasp- actually enjoying sex! Casual sex is something that is simply not going to go away, no matter how much education or punishment is put toward it. Though artists like Kanye West and other rappers talk about having casual sex, it is all from a male point of view, sometimes referring to women in their songs as “easy” or “hoes”. To have a white, young, female artist come forward and say, “I have casual sex, and so do you” is incredibly empowering to today’s female youth, and sends a strong message that they are not alone in their decisions.
Aside from her music, Lady Gaga has been blasted for her fashion choices, being called everything from “eccentric” to “ridiculous” to “slutty”. Her signature look of a leotard, fishnet or opaque stockings, boots, and sunglasses have made many deem her as a hooker-look-alike. The internet gossips sites were a-buzz when she was seen wearing tape over her nipples under a sheer t-shirt, however fellow singer Rihanna was called fashionable when she did the same. Lady Gaga has said that she embraces her body, and has never had any plastic surgery done to change her features. She’s appeared semi-nude in magazines, however not once has her nudity been the focus of an image. She wears leotards or bikini bottoms in public and is called “whoreish”, while Beyonce and Britney Spears wear the same, if not raunchier, outfits on stage and no one blinks an eyelash.
So, is Lady Gaga a good role model? My answer is yes. She isn’t posing in playboy like The Hills star Heidi Montag, or wearing booty shorts and pole dancing at age 16 like Miley Cyrus. She isn’t singing about blaming obvious rape on alcohol like artist Jamie Foxx. Lady Gaga hasn’t been seen leaving a night club completely intoxicated, or snorting coke in the back of a bathroom, or committing adultery.
She is writing her own songs, performing her shows, and experimenting with fashion. Last I checked-isn’t that what most parent’s encourage their children to do? Find their own style, work with their talents, and do what they love?
What do you think? Is Lady Gaga a good role model?
Originally published in the Paradise Valley College newspaper Oct/09
For some reason, America has a very voyeuristic obsession with Reality TV shows. From the beginnings with Survivor and The Real World, to 2009 where entire channels are dedicated to providing 24-hour non-stop reality television, Reality TV has evolved from being an entertaining pastime into a grossly obsessive world of people clambering to look into another person’s tragic, embarrassing, and utterly diminutive world. The shows range from people fighting on an island, to people fighting in a house, to people fighting at work. As you can tell, the possibilities with Reality TV are endless, which is why there are so many of them on television. There are a few though, that do stand out as the worst Reality TV shows of all time.
Check out the worst reality TV shows after the jump:
Dear America,
I appreciate your culture, I really do! Freedom, democracy, hot dogs, and eagles are all awesome. But sometimes, you do tend to get too hung up on certain trends. And many times, its really, really stupid trends.
Starbucks
America has a boner for Starbucks. No, really, I’ve never seen people get so excited over a drink that wasn’t alcoholic. I’ve noticed that Starbucks typically has 3 types of customers.
-The OMFG COFFEE customer. This person is typically between 26 and 45, and relies on a double shot frappicino no-whip low fat extra mocha latte to get them through their work day. If they don’t manage to get their drink, they will complain for no less than 10 hours that they can’t function without their overpriced, over-marketed cup of $6 coffee.
-The ‘I don’t like coffee but I like Starbucks’ customer. This person is generally between 16 and 23, and comes to Starbucks for the ‘atmosphere’. They almost always have Apple laptops, an Ipod fully loaded with Death Cab For Cutie songs, and pants that are so tight they’re cutting off blood circulation. They’ll generally order an over-iced tea with a muffin and spend the next 6 hours writing terrible poetry and twittering in the corner.
-The occasional homeless person who comes in and asks for free water.
Apple Computers
PC vs. Mac, old guy vs. young guy, blah blah blah. You know why Macs never get a virus? Because no one cares enough about Apple computers to make a virus for them. You know why PC hasn’t retaliated with hip, young people commercials in their defense? Because PC users can accept that some people are simple-minded, and need simple computers. You know why Mac users are annoying? Because they don’t shut the fuck about Macs. Ever. I’ve never met a casual Apple fan. I’ve never met someone who says, “Oh yeah, I use a Mac, it’s just better for me.” No. Mac users insist of spouting, “I’M A MAC AND THEREFORE SUPERIOR. MY TASTES ARE SIMPLE I ONLY LIKE THE BEST. PC USERS ARE FAT AND HAVE DISEASES.” Shut up. We all know you only use the Mac to go to Icanhazcheezeburger.com.
Acknowledging International Tragedies With Stupid Things
Oh no! Genocide in Darfur? Better hold a candle light vigil, stick a magnetic ribbon to my car, and wear a yellow wrist band that says SAVE DARFUR. Donate money to help? Sorry, I’m broke. I’ll acknowledge that it exists though! Everyone being killed thousands of miles away will appreciate that, right?
Being Politically Correct
Reporter: “And here we have an African-American student to give his opinion on a racism issue.”
Student: “I’m actually from Haiti.”
Reporter: “Haiti-American?”
Student: “Goddamnit.”
Being Metrosexual, Not Gay
What the fuck? You’re not fooling anyone.
Dear angry internet rage people- If you can’t take a joke, please stay away from the internet :) PS I’m American, please stop assuming I am not. Yee-haw Americaaaa.
Remember when you were a teenager and you called out of work to have an extra day off? Unemployment is a lot like that, except you don’t have to force yourself to cough into the phone while telling your boss you got the flu from your little sister.
Many Americans are unemployed due to the economic recession/their own numerous harassment charges, and everyone handles it differently. Some spend their days applying to hundreds of jobs, others try to start up their own business, and some collect sweet, sweet unemployment.
As my own impending unemployment sneaks closer and closer, I have compiled a list of things to do when you’re unemployed:
-Start Up Your Own Business
Starting a business isn’t hard. All you need are workers (illegal immigrants, children, etc), a business logo, and a product. For instance, I plan on starting my own vending machine business. Since vending machines are expensive, I will save up my unemployment checks to buy a truck, which I can then use to steal expensive vending machines and repaint them with my logo (Radical Vending Inc.!!!!!). Vending machines are a great money maker, because people love buying overpriced crap out of large boxes. You can load vending machines with anything, including:
-Drinks and food
-Animals
-Wallets
-Guns
-ID’s and passports
-Chill
Think of your unemployment as a really long, unpaid vacation that you didn’t want to take and might lose your house over. Travel back to your college days and spends weeks at a time doing nothing but eating microwaved food, playing video games, and experimenting with illegal drugs. Stay up late, jump on your bed, register an Eharmony account, wear the same clothes for 6 weeks, score a million points in guitar hero, join a gang…the possibilities are endless and the sky is the limit with unemployment!
-Become A Super Hero
There is nothing better than being a super hero. Nothing. Did Batman, the Flash, or the Hulk have a real job? I don’t know, probably not, but the point is: they are super heroes, and there is nothing better than that. There are lots of things that need heroing, including: drug traffickers, kids who drink Keystone Light, terrible poetry, and old people. Being a super hero is easy, all you need is a cape and some people to save. Once you start saving a lot of people, you’ll need to start going out to restaurants. People that you have saved will recognize you there, and then buy you dinner. This will allow you to not starve to death.
-Change Your Lifestyle
Did your old daily routine consist of a healthy breakfast, an hour at the gym, 8 hours of work, and then reading a book before bed? Not anymore! With unemployment, you are free to change your lifestyle, daily routines, and goals-without the annoyance of a job and obligations. Change your hair style, get robot arms, live in the woods, buy a pet bear, become a terrorist, grow a beard, punch a clown in the face…unemployment gives you the opportunity to try new things and find out if there’s a lifestyle you like better.
So the next time you’re sorting through unpaid bills, browsing Monster.com, or being bothered by debt collectors, just remember the bright side of unemployment: freedom to completely screw up your life without the steady income and stability of a job.
Today, I stumbled across this gem of a website: Become A Player
The website, which boasts, “Game is all that matters” and that their goal is to teach the average male how to “attract,seduce, meet, and pick up women” is essentially an online guide on how to look like an idiot and brand yourself a skeezy douche hat.
Let’s take a look at the advice this website is giving out:
Tip & Tricks To Becoming A Player
“While you are macking on a particular girl, go away after you’ve talked for a while and begin talking to someone else, just say to her “I need to dissapear[sic] for a bit, I’ll be back”. This will drive her crazy, and if you’ve made a decent impression on her, she won’t be able to think of anything except you.”
Poor grammar and spelling aside…this is still stupid. Any guy still using the term “macking on a girl” is either 40+ years old, or has lived his life in his grandparent’ basement reading anime fanfiction (or both). Plus the only men saying they need to disappear should be magicians, and convicted criminals. Oh, at least they remembered that all girls need and crave the attention of a 40 year old cologne-soaked man they meet at a bar. Really, she won’t be able to stop thinking bout the 5 minute “conversation” she had with you consisting solely of cheesy pick-up lines.
“Whenever you are with a girl and her hair is falling in her face, gently use your index finger to “pull” the hair back and place it behind her ear. When you do this rub your finger down behind her ear all the way down to her ear lobe.”
Also, doing this in the workplace may lead to sexual harassment charges. Don’t touch people’s ears, you goddamn creep.
“When you are approaching a group of girls and you’ve already picked out the one that you want, the only thing that should be running through your mind is “I need to get her ALONE!”. Yes, that it your first and foremost goal… to separate her from her friends.”
This is also what rapists and murderers do, how about that!
The website also features, some great articles, including:
“How To Make Your Ex Return Your Calls”
“How To Transform Your Computer Into A Seduction Machine”
“Use The Poke Button On Facebook to Get Chicks”
“Turbo Charge Your Booty Calls”
I wish I was making these up.
Finally, the website features a “Rulebook”, the ultimate list of douchebaggery. Featuring:
-”Constantly repeat her name” because women are like puppies, and you can only win their affections with fatty treats and sweet name cooing.
-“Instead of: “How about giving me your number?”. Ask: “I’d like to talk to you again, is there a number I can reach you at?“. Because women are too stupid to realize that this is the exact same question. Really.
-”The player who gets rejected the most leaves with the most numbers“. No, I’m sorry, the ‘player’ who gets rejected the most leaves with nothing, because your odds do not increase with each rejection/restraining order.
