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How To Adopt A Child

June 1, 2009

If the media has taught me anything, it’s that people love children. Every time I turn on the news, it’s Famous Celebrity Has 5th Kid or Man Kidnaps Child At Mall-it’s obvious children are in high demand. Children are the latest craze to hit America, and with good reason! Here are some benefits of having children:

-You can be really fat, and no one will make fun of you.
-If you are 16 and pregnant, you are no longer labeled stupid, you are instead a beautiful, strong woman going through terrible hardships no responsible condom wearing teen will ever experience.
-If you are Bristol Palin, you are still labeled stupid, but you get to be on the cover of magazines.
-If someone breaks their arm or is shot and complains about it, you can tell them they don’t know pain because they’ve never pushed a human out of their vagina.
-When you die, you get to have “loving mother” put in your obituary, instead of “lonely old hag” like child-less women get.

Now that you see the benefits of having a child, I bet you want one (or 8). While you could have a child the boring old normal way, the cool thing to do now is adopt children!

Adoption means you go to a third world country and find starving foreign babies and take them home and look like a hero. Angelina Jolie did this, and then she got nominated for a Grammy. Jon and Kate Gosslin had a bunch of babies the normal way, and now they just look like selfish jerks.

Adopting a child is so easy, anyone can do it. Here’s how:

Step 1: Find a baby
Babies are everywhere. Africa, China, on street corners, subways,  Subway restaurants, etc. The best thing to do is get a baby that has a different skin colour than you, because then you 1) Look like even more of a hero and 2) it’ll be really funny if when the kid grows up, he doesn’t tell his girlfriend/boyfriend his parents are white, and they’re surprised and awkward when they meet you.

Step 2: Apply to Get Baby
This part is easy-breezy if you are a smooth talker. You are asked to fill out an adoption application that asks about your job and income. These are just filler questions that don’t matter, the only one the agency reads is “Why do you want to adopt a baby?”. Here are some good answers:
-They are cuter than puppies.
-Child Labor isn’t illegal everywhere.
-My dog is dead, and now I’m lonely.
-No man will touch me.

Step 3: What To Do If Your Application Is Rejected
Buy a baby off the Black Market.

Step 4: Be a Parent
Here’s the best part of having a child: being a parent! The best way to be a parent is to take your kids to the park and show them off to everyone. If it’s too cold for that, you can take photos of you and the baby and put them on Myspace, or even better, make the child its own Myspace. Its never too early to start networking.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 1, 2009 9:42 pm

    Baha I should have known this was coming after seeing previews for 16 and Pregnant.

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