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The 10 Commandments: Translated

June 23, 2009

And God spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the LORD your God…
“He really does sound like James Earl Jones!”

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
Fuck Buddha, that fat jerk.

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’

I’m lookin’ at you, Da Vinci.

THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
Unless its during sex, in which case, I’m flattered

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
Keep it holy may also mean please continue to watch football and drink Coors Light.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
Even if they’re selfish heroin addicts who sleep with your boyfriend.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
Unless they cut you off in rush hour traffic when you’re trying to get home in time for the Gilmore Girls.

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
Unless she’s hot and your wife doesn’t put out anymore.

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
Fuckin’ gypsies.

NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
I think this means don’t lie? Whatever, just don’t be a dick to your neighbor, he knows where you sleep.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
Do not stick your dick in things that are not yours.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. aconfusedpoet permalink
    June 23, 2009 9:26 pm

    You are my hero.

  2. Shelly permalink
    July 5, 2009 3:15 pm

    Geez Louise your catholic grandmother is turning in her grave!! Good job Tegs! Love, Mom

  3. July 13, 2009 7:30 pm

    I laughed out loud at number eight, “Fuckin’ Gypsies.” I almost never laugh out loud when I’m reading, either, so that ‘s how I thought that was. Thanks!

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