How To Quit Your Job
At some point in your life, your job may suck more than the economy, which means you have to quit. Quitting a job can liberating, tumulous, stressful, or fun, depending how you do it. Here’s the steps to quitting your job in the most respectful and ideal way:
Step 1: Do not put in your two weeks notice.
Putting in your two weeks notice is Latin for “I’m a pussy”. Real men wake up in the morning and decide they need freedom NOW. This is also how divorce works.
Step 2: Treat everyone innapropriately
No risk of having to take sexual harrassment class here! Tell Larry to eat shit, smack the 21-year-old intern’s butt, sleep with your boss’ wife and/or daughter(s), and suggestively pelvic thrust at anyone who passes you.
Step 3: Do everything but work
On the last day of school, did anyone ever work? No, and neither should you at your job. Refer clients to phone sex operators, drink on the job (puke on the job, too), make a fort, create a dance routine. Dance within the fort. Do not allow anyone else in the fort, unless they know the password (password should be ‘Hammertime’).
Step 4: Demand a cake
Usually when someone who is well-loved at a company leaves their job, their coworkers get them a cake. If no one brought you a cake, demand one by sending out mass company emails that read, ‘Get me a cake or I will come back here and slit your throat’. If this doesn’t work, eat everyone else’s lunches from the company fridge.
Step 5: Quit
There are many ways to tell your boss that you quit, so be creative! Beat boxing, break dancing, and having a group of choir girls sing ‘Take This Job and Shove It’ is really the best way, next to sky writing, or showing up naked at his door at 3am with a sign around your neck that says, “I hate your toupee”.
Step 6: Create an Uprising
Quitting can be a lonely process, so make some friends along the way. Jump onto your desk and announce anything that you think will inspire outrage. “They’ve frozen our pay raises for two years!” “The boss is getting ANOTHER vacation to Hawaii!” “I just saw Megan Fox naked outside, quick let’s go!” Once you have a sufficient amount of angry/confused/lonely people gathered, play “The Final Countdown” over the intercom and bum-rush the security guard (or door greeter) to freedom.
Optional Step 7: Ace the exit interview
In the case that you do have an exit interview, be sure to do it in the most respectable way. Answer every question with the truth. “I honestly don’t think the diet is working for you, you fat bitch.” “I was the one who let that swarm of bees into your office”, etc. At the end, puke on the interview sheet, so that no one will ever know.
Remember to enjoy your new found freedom, and on those job applications, check off “do not contact employer”.