How To Prepare For College
Welcome to The College Series, an instructional guide for the Freshman-To-Be. This is part 1: The Preparation.
The first thing a future freshman should do is order their priorities for the upcoming school year. Here’s my suggested list:
-Good looking people
Next, you should start to prepare for dorm life. If you are not going to be living in a dorm, history indicates that you will never make any friends and you’ll never be successful at anything ever. Don’t bother trying to get into the Advanced Placement Students dorms, as rumor has it that the only things inside are ugly chicks and awkward Jewish people, so choose a regular Freshmen dorm.
Once you have received your dorm-mate assignment letter detailing who will be rooming with you, it is essential that you Facebook this person to make premature judgments on their personality. If they have any of the following things on their Facebook, chances are you got a dud:
-A link to their Livejournal
-A picture of them wearing socks and sandals.
Finally, you must do your back-to-school shopping. Forget pencils and notebooks, this is COLLEGE, which is Latin for “Coors Light Keg Stands”. Here’s some things you’ll REALLY need for college:
-A “Scarface” poster
-Clothing with the University’s logo on, just to remind your fellow classmates you go to that school too.
-A list of important phone numbers in case you lose your cell. This should include numbers to major pizza delivery chains, booty calls, and a distant cousin with a lot of money and a big, gullible heart.
-A really cool tattoo to show off how mature you were before college. This could be barbed wire, a fierce looking dog with the Harley logo on it, or a Chinese symbol meaning “Harmony”.
That’s all for now. Check back later for the next installment on The Sangfroid’s College Guide: Your College Wardrobe, Becoming Popular By Wearing Ugly, Expensive Things.