How To Be Popular In College
Welcome to Part 2 of the College series! Now that you are prepared for college, it’s time to move onto the most important part of your college experience: Being Popular.
Step 1: Pick a Cool Major
Don’t be stupid and pick a major like Environmental Science or English Literature, because those are really uncool. It is best to choose something A) Easy B) Full of hot, desperate women C) Something difficult that you can brag about (I.E. “Yeah I’m a pharmaceutical major so that I can get $80,000 a year and have all the free drugs I want.”) For women, you only have one career choice: Communications. Why waste your time learning anything else when we all know you’re going to end up raising 3 little brats and heading the PTA meetings while your husband bangs a hotter, younger version of you in his Pharmacy office?
Step 2: Join a Fraternity/Sorority
There’s no better way to make friends quickly then by paying loads of money, having sex with passed out drunks (if they can’t say no, it’s fair game!), and comparing penis sizes. “But Frats and Sororities are only for beautiful people, and I am an ugly troll!” you may say. Fear not, these days people are far more accepting of uggos, and you can join as long as you are rich or enjoy doing other people’s homework for them. This is by far the best way to become popular, as brotherhood/sisterhood lasts for as long as the police don’t catch you with date rape drugs and you get the Frat banned life.
Step 3: Brag About Everything
Popular people are cool, and cool people only like other cool people. You’ll never get anywhere telling the story about how you almost had sex with a girl (it was only halfway in when you came, it doesn’t count, stop fooling yourself). Here are some things that are brag worthy:
-Winning at beer pong (it doesn’t matter that it was against an amputee stroke victim)
-Punching nerds in the face
-How you were really popular in High School
-That time you made a touch down during P.E.
-Sleeping with absurd amounts of people
-How much you drank last night
Step 4: Never Sleep
While all the hustle and bustle of college life may tire you out, it’s important to sleep as little as possible, and when you do, make sure it’s only between the hours of 11am and 4pm. Nerds and people who enjoy Battle Star Galactica sleep an average of 7 or 8 hours per night. Popular kids and people who enjoy I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! sleep an average of 2 hours per night. Sleep is for the weak, and the unpopular.
Step 5: Do Cool Things
Once you are popular (popularity can be measured by the number of friends you have on Facebook, how many people you have puked on, and the number of times a picture of you has been featured on Collegehumor.com) it is important that you continue doing cool things to maintain popularity. Here’s just a few suggestions:
-Making up cool nicknames for people, such as Broseph, Brojuice, BroBro, and Brostepher.
-Sleeping with teachers (only the hot ones).
-Obtaining your first STD.
-Making references to Failblog in public.
-Posting a picture of you puking on the internet.
-Telling people you’re bi and you looove making out with girls when you’re just like, totally wasted!
-Having really skinny legs but a giant, muscley upper body.
That’s all for now. Thanks to Jason for helping me figure out college popularity strategy. Tune in later this week for the next installment of the college series: “The People You’ll Meet In College” featuring The Awkward Sweaty Guy Who Has Your Phone Number For Some Reason.