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Advice Column: Dealing with the Girlfriend

August 12, 2009

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

Recently, my 16-year-old son got his first girlfriend, a 17-year-old girl who goes to high school with him. While I am proud that my son is beginning to explore romance, I do have some issues.  I am concerned that they may be having sex as sometimes he locks his bedroom door when they’re together. I am very against this, as we are a strong Christian household. I am weary of this new girl, and I would like to know how to calm my nerves while keeping my son safe. Can you help me?

Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother-

You have every right to be concerned for your son’s well-being. A man’s first girlfriend is a big step into adulthood, and you should be there to travel the journey with him.

It’s important that during this journey, you keep your son safe and prepared. Remember: All women are whores, no matter what, and as soon as your son falls asleep that girl is going to tie him up and have unprotected sex with him while using your $60 Clinque lotion as a lubricant. To prevent this, you must create clever traps to expose the heathen woman before she taints your son’s body with her whore mouth.

A good way to do this is to locate your son’s condom stash and drive a holy cross through each one. This should remind him that Jesus is always watching. Another way to remind him that Jesus is always watching is to paint a mural on his ceiling. Of Jesus watching him. With you next to Jesus, also watching. You must both look very stern in this mural, as if you’re always above him saying, “Now what would Jesus do??” and Jesus is saying, “I wouldn’t be doing THAT. Gross.”

It’s also important that you bond with this girl, too, in case your son ends up marrying her. This can be difficult, as women bond in different ways then men do. Women usually bond over bathroom visits together, complaining about boyfriends, and breaking diets together. Men bond over beer, high fives, and sports.

You must remember that this girl is also a COUGAR. A cougar is an older woman who prays on younger men, sort of like the pedophile of the womanworld, but better. Unlike a younger woman who sleeps with older men (to fill the void of the love daddy never gave her), a cougar goes after young guys to establish dominance. Therefore, the best way to “bond” with this girl is to show her that you too are a predatory master. Do this by dating someone as old as your son, and going to hip keggars with your son, his girlfriend, and your new boyfriend.

Lastly, if my advice has come too late and your son has already had sex with her, then in God’s eyes they are married. Remember, shotgun weddings are always an option, and at least it means he’s not gay!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 13, 2009 3:32 am

    A cougar? I’ve heard of cradle-robbers, but this cougar term is new. Am intrigued.

    (PS–you are damn funny)

  2. August 19, 2009 4:57 pm

    I love the idea of painting a mural of Jesus over my son’s bed to discourage sex. I wonder if I could get one with those creepy eyes that are always looking at you no matter where you are. That would really enhance the effect! Funny post, although it seems faintly familiar to me, as I’m the author of an occasional parent advice column called Dr. Teen Advisor. :)

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      August 19, 2009 7:15 pm

      Haha yeah, I’ve been wanting to do an advice column for awhile and then one of the other people I linked to did it and you did it and I’m like OH NO BANDWAGON COME BACK HERE and thats how this post was made.

  3. Femi Olanubi permalink
    September 1, 2009 5:21 am

    True Story!

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