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What Will Happen If Gay People Get Married?

August 20, 2009

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

I know this isn’t personal question, but I want to ask anyway. I am only 9 years old but I am worried about the future. I live in Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. My mother told me this was going to bring the end of world. I don’t want the gays to end the world! Will you please tell me what happens when the gays get married?

-Scared Straight

Dear Scared Straight,

It’s so brave of you to be worrying about the future at such a young age, but so futile. 2012 is only two years away, and we all know how that’s going to turn out.

To answer your question requires some background. First let me tell you the history of gay people. It all began when Jesus was born.  He saw his dad making out with some other dude (it was actually Mary but they didn’t have razors back in the day so it was easy to mix up genders you know) and Jesus was SO MAD that he told God, “Hey man, fuck the gays.” and since the Jews hated Jesus they were all “No man fuck JESUS!” and crucifed him while listening to Madonna (the Gay Rights leader back then. She really takes care of herself for being so old).

Anyway, so later on America won all the wars ever because Jesus was on their side, and so America promised to always uphold his teachings by banning the gays. However, gay people are inherently sneaky, and managed to disguise themselves as metrosexual scene kids in order to remain undercover in America. Eventually some asshole blew their cover and all hell broke loose and that’s when the gay pride parade began.

So, to answer your question, here’s what will happen if the gays can get married:

-Your sons and daughters will all be gay.
-Your mom will be gay.
-Your dog will be gay.
-Your grandma will be gay.
-Obama will be gay.
-All straight married couples will receive a letter in the mail that says “lol jokes on you marriage ANNULLED!”
-The Sun will become gay and will start making out with another sun causing global warming to really kick it up a notch.
-Dolphins will be allowed to marry elephants.

Also, everyone knows that all gay people produce only gay babies, so eventually there will only be gay babies in the world, and then no more babies will be able to be born. Its called LOGIC!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 20, 2009 8:56 pm

    damn, I knew it. my dog is just looking for a damn excuse.

  2. August 22, 2009 5:39 pm

    I’m a very tolerant person, but if it’s true that this gay thing is going to lead to Flipper humping Babar, then I may have to draw a line in the sand and come out against the gays. It also really makes me squirm to think of my dog Rover eyeing the German shepard Petey next door (strangely, though, it wouldn’t bother me at all if my lipstick lady dog, Linda, gets it on with that fancy-ass poodle, Paula). So I guess I agree with you, Dr. Sangfroid, gay=doom.

  3. August 22, 2009 5:56 pm

    I am a very tolerant person, but I have to draw the line at dolphins marrying elephants and having my dog Rover lust for Petey next door (Strangely, though, I wouldn’t mind at all if my dog lipstick lady dog Linda gets it on with that fufu poodle Fifi). So if it’s true that the whole gay thing is going to have Flipper humping Babar, then I have to support you, Dr. Sangfroid.

  4. August 22, 2009 5:58 pm

    Whoops, due to computer illiteracy on my part, I managed to post two nearly identical comments. How stupid is that? Feel free to delete the most recent one……

  5. September 1, 2009 6:59 am

    Not to over dramatize but that was quite possibly the best thing I’ve read…ever. Awesome job Tegan!

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