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What To Do When You’re Unemployed

September 20, 2009

Remember when you were a teenager and you called out of work to have an extra day off? Unemployment is a lot like that, except you don’t have to force yourself to cough into the phone while telling your boss you got the flu from your little sister.

Many Americans are unemployed due to the economic recession/their own numerous harassment charges, and everyone handles it differently. Some spend their days applying to hundreds of jobs, others try to start up their own business, and some collect sweet, sweet unemployment.

As my own impending unemployment sneaks closer and closer, I have compiled a list of things to do when you’re unemployed:

-Start Up Your Own Business
Starting a business isn’t hard. All you need are workers (illegal immigrants, children, etc), a business logo, and a product. For instance, I plan on starting my own vending machine business. Since vending machines are expensive, I will save up my unemployment checks to buy a truck, which I can then use to steal expensive vending machines and repaint them with my logo (Radical Vending Inc.!!!!!). Vending machines are a great money maker, because people love buying overpriced crap out of large boxes. You can load vending machines with anything, including:
-Drinks and food
-ID’s and passports

Think of your unemployment as a really long, unpaid vacation that you didn’t want to take and might lose your house over. Travel back to your college days and spends weeks at a time doing nothing but eating microwaved food, playing video games, and experimenting with illegal drugs. Stay up late, jump on your bed, register an Eharmony account, wear the same clothes for 6 weeks, score a million points in guitar hero, join a gang…the possibilities are endless and the sky is the limit with unemployment!

-Become A Super Hero
There is nothing better than being a super hero. Nothing. Did Batman, the Flash, or the Hulk have a real job? I don’t know, probably not, but the point is: they are super heroes, and there is nothing better than that. There are lots of things that need heroing, including: drug traffickers, kids who drink Keystone Light, terrible poetry, and old people. Being a super hero is easy, all you need is a cape and some people to save. Once you start saving a lot of people, you’ll need to start going out to restaurants. People that you have saved will recognize you there, and then buy you dinner. This will allow you to not starve to death.

-Change Your Lifestyle
Did your old daily routine consist of a healthy breakfast, an hour at the gym, 8 hours of work, and then reading a book before bed? Not anymore! With unemployment, you are free to change your lifestyle, daily routines, and goals-without the annoyance of a job and obligations. Change your hair style, get robot arms, live in the woods, buy a pet bear, become a terrorist, grow a beard, punch a clown in the face…unemployment gives you the opportunity to try new things and find out if there’s a lifestyle you like better.

So the next time you’re sorting through unpaid bills, browsing, or being bothered by debt collectors,  just remember the bright side of unemployment: freedom to completely screw up your life without the steady income and stability of a job.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2009 5:29 pm

    This is one of your best blogs… insightful, humorous and inspirational.

  2. September 21, 2009 9:42 pm

    Vending machines for guns and animals. Funny. :-)

  3. September 24, 2009 12:18 pm

    Excellent! And so.damn.relevent – well done!

  4. Janice permalink
    September 25, 2009 12:39 am

    I think you’re already a Super Hero, but you don’t know it. Great blog post!

  5. Le Templar permalink
    September 25, 2009 5:15 am

    I echo the other comments that this is really funny. Nice job! Given any thought to potential links and photos that you could add to this kind of post? Linking to other web sites can add another great dimension to writing humor, and photos can add some visual fun as well.


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