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People Love Stupid Things

September 26, 2009

Dear America,

I appreciate your culture, I really do! Freedom, democracy, hot dogs, and eagles are all awesome. But sometimes, you do tend to get too hung up on certain trends. And many times, its really, really stupid trends.

Starbucks
America has a boner for Starbucks. No, really, I’ve never seen people get so excited over a drink that wasn’t alcoholic. I’ve noticed that Starbucks typically has 3 types of customers.
-The OMFG COFFEE customer. This person is typically between 26 and 45, and relies on a double shot frappicino no-whip low fat extra mocha latte to get them through their work day. If they don’t manage to get their drink, they will complain for no less than 10 hours that they can’t function without their overpriced, over-marketed cup of $6 coffee.
-The ‘I don’t like coffee but I like Starbucks’ customer. This person is generally between 16 and 23, and comes to Starbucks for the ‘atmosphere’. They almost always have Apple laptops, an Ipod fully loaded with Death Cab For Cutie songs, and pants that are so tight they’re cutting off blood circulation. They’ll generally order an over-iced tea with a muffin and spend the next 6 hours writing terrible poetry and twittering in the corner.
-The occasional homeless person who comes in and asks for free water.

Apple Computers
PC vs. Mac, old guy vs. young guy, blah blah blah. You know why Macs never get a virus? Because no one cares enough about Apple computers to make a virus for them. You know why PC hasn’t retaliated with hip, young people commercials in their defense? Because PC users can accept that some people are simple-minded, and need simple computers. You know why Mac users are annoying? Because they don’t shut the fuck about Macs. Ever. I’ve never met a casual Apple fan. I’ve never met someone who says, “Oh yeah, I use a Mac, it’s just better for me.” No. Mac users insist of spouting, “I’M A MAC AND THEREFORE SUPERIOR. MY TASTES ARE SIMPLE I ONLY LIKE THE BEST. PC USERS ARE FAT AND HAVE DISEASES.” Shut up. We all know you only use the Mac to go to Icanhazcheezeburger.com.

Acknowledging International Tragedies With Stupid Things
Oh no! Genocide in Darfur? Better hold a candle light vigil, stick a magnetic ribbon to my car, and wear a yellow wrist band that says SAVE DARFUR. Donate money to help? Sorry, I’m broke. I’ll acknowledge that it exists though! Everyone being killed thousands of miles away will appreciate that, right?

Being Politically Correct
Reporter: “And here we have an African-American student to give his opinion on a racism issue.”
Student: “I’m actually from Haiti.”
Reporter: “Haiti-American?”
Student: “Goddamnit.”

Being Metrosexual, Not Gay
What the fuck? You’re not fooling anyone.

Dear angry internet rage people- If you can’t take a joke, please stay away from the internet :) PS I’m American, please stop assuming I am not. Yee-haw Americaaaa.

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65 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2009 7:16 pm

    Nice writing style. I look forward to reading more in the future.

  2. Sabrina Settle permalink
    September 28, 2009 1:14 am

    Missed the mark on Starbucks lovers. But – hating is another stupid trend!

  3. Scott permalink
    September 28, 2009 1:26 am

    I go to Starbucks because their coffee tastes better to me. The amount that they roast their beans for Pike is just right for MY preferences. And a small coffee costs me less than $2.

    I also have a Mac, and I am a casual Mac fan. I owned several PCs before switching to a Mac for purely practical reasons. I find the design simple, which reduces distractions, allowing me to actually get more work done on my Mac. Plus, the aluminum body allows me to carry it on flights and walk around without having to worry about damage.

    Your rant is annoying.

    • matt permalink
      September 28, 2009 9:02 pm

      You, my dear sir, are a buzzkill. Fail.

      • mark permalink
        June 29, 2010 8:23 am

        scott is the most annoying part of every web post ever.

        “oh my life contradicts everything just mentioned, look at me.”

    • Sam permalink
      September 29, 2009 10:50 pm

      Agreed. You’re a douchebag, Scott.

    • Toby permalink
      October 1, 2009 9:32 pm

      WTF u are such a looser with your pathic “mac” and ur over priced coffee. i agree with sam u are a total douchebag!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Frank permalink
        November 27, 2009 4:51 pm

        I love how you overused the exclamation mark

    • mike permalink
      October 12, 2009 8:31 pm

      scotts a dick

    • Donk permalink
      December 15, 2009 6:12 am

      I heard Scott is pro cancer.

  4. Janice permalink
    September 28, 2009 3:13 pm

    You know how to find the funny in absolutely everything. Thanks for starting my Monday off with a laugh.

  5. adam permalink
    September 28, 2009 6:11 pm

    im a casual mac fan. it works better for me. not only do i not scream at people about how great macs are, i also somehow have enough self control to type in lower case letters, as well.
    also, what do you have against awareness? (the “stupid” wrist bands and such)

    some rants like this are refreshing and funny, yours is neither.

    • matt permalink
      September 28, 2009 9:02 pm

      And you too.

      • Audre permalink
        November 16, 2009 11:49 am

        aaah the haters…. If you don’t like it why are you here? hm? you can leave you know. you aren’t chained to blog posts and jokes that make you upset.

  6. Tegan McRae permalink*
    September 28, 2009 10:09 pm

    Boohooo, I like Macs and therefore am angry and am going to post anonymously, waahhh. Better go hug my Mac, make sure it isn’t hurt by a humor blogger’s satirical post! Oh noo!

    And awareness is great-too bad it doesn’t do shit. Actions speak louder than shitty bracelets.

    • aconfusedpoet permalink
      September 29, 2009 12:40 am

      I think these two kind gentlemen have provided us with a brand new stereotype for Apple customers!

  7. September 29, 2009 5:33 am

    I hate Apple people. I’ve used both a lot, and Windows is superior. It has more features, it’s more intuitive and it looks better. I use it all the time when I’m writing poetry and discussing the virtures of 100 percent cotton at Starbucks with my Haitian-American friends.

  8. Swoop permalink
    September 29, 2009 8:38 am

    Okay, Starbucks is in around 40 countries. It started here in America but has moved on. So everyone seems to be having their triple mocha grande late not just Americans. Apple and PC are pretty much the same company, hate to burst your bubble. I own and love both brands. We could all do a little more to help but I don’t see how bloging about it is any different than wearing a bracelet. You’re funny though but I’m scared your a terrorist because your facts are skewed and you don’t like Americans.

    • aconfusedpoet permalink
      September 29, 2009 2:09 pm

      I’d also like to note that “Audi” and “staplers” are pretty much the same company. Nice logic! =D

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      September 30, 2009 3:10 am

      Uhh Apple and PC are not the same company…are you on crack? Also, I am only blogging about Americans in Starbucks because I live in America and only have experience with American Starbucks. Why would I talk about things not American when I have no experience in other countries?

      Also, yes, I am a terrorist and I hate Americans and totally have sex with Osama Bin Laden and live in Iraq and burn flags all the time. And when I’m not doing that, I go on the internet and blog about college and starbucks and penthouse because that is what internet-terrorists do.

    • Toby permalink
      October 1, 2009 9:35 pm

      so what u saying is …… if we dont like mac, starbucks and america we are all terrorits?

    • Audre permalink
      November 16, 2009 11:58 am

      HAHAHA wait so you are afraid that the author made fun of starbucks and mac….because they’re a terrorist. yeah. there’s that amazing logic!

  9. September 29, 2009 6:35 pm

    Thanks for kicking off my Tuesday Teagan. This post was hilarious!

  10. September 29, 2009 8:49 pm

    Eagles are not awesome. Birds are pretty much dirty as fuck. No, I can’t back this up.

  11. kyle permalink
    October 1, 2009 2:22 pm

    ya know ive said “oh yeah, i use a mac, its just better for me” you know what response i got? “oh so your one of those rich snobby mac users”. im a poor college kid who is still paying off this laptop because all the windows based pc’s crashed or the motherboard died. mac users get this horrible stigma against us. we buy macs because they fit us, and yes some do because they “look” cute. but have you seen the new dells and HP’s? they come in every color of the damn rainbow.
    and you know that most of the shit you bitch exists in only about 20% of america? such as the metrosexual stuff and the ignorant people who wear “save darfur” bracelets but couldn’t find it on a map. i have donated several times to help in the efforts in darfur and in many other countries in need. my college has a program called “school for schools” that has massive amounts of support and none of those ignorant selfish people are in there.

    if your gonna say a statement as bold as “i appreciate your culture” you might want to do some research or actually experience american culture rather than getting your perspective from twitter or angry blogger’s midnight rants about how unfair things are. this blatant ignorance is the reason why the world will never be safe. ignorance begets hate, and hate begets more ignorance…a truly vicious circle

    • October 14, 2009 3:40 pm

      You should all meet in an empty room armed with tee-ball bats and pocketknives. Then we will see just how strong your feelings really are in relation to Mac users and Starbucks and even little third world genocides that don’t even reach the ears of America’s majority…the poster is just stating things that really piss them off, your little quips and snippets of useless and improvised facts are unwanted and useless. Laugh at the post or don’t…that is all that is required of your participation.

    • Terry permalink
      November 27, 2009 6:01 am

      IT’S A JOKE ABOUT A BRAND! I sent this to my boyfriend, who also uses a Mac, which I tease him about i. Did he get offended and feel the need to comment about how it was stereotyping Mac users ? No. He teased me back. Do you realize you’re just serving to enforce stereotypes ? It’s just an OS. Calm down.

      • Hannah permalink
        June 8, 2010 10:19 pm

        IT IS NOT JUST AN OS IT IS A WAY OF LIFE!!!1!!!!1!!!!!

  12. Nick Wright permalink
    October 3, 2009 4:00 am

    You could put People who rant about shit they don’t like on the list too.

    • Claire permalink
      October 24, 2009 8:20 am

      I’m not sure I understand your point… Are there people that you respect more that rant about shit they DO like?

      Nice rant by the way!
      I definitely agree.
      And in the Starbucks category don’t forget the hippies who hate big corporations but go there to get their soy chai tea lattes!
      I am definitely one of them :)

      I’m sorry people can’t just realize that if you’ve got nothing nice to say…don’t fuck with your rant!

  13. October 21, 2009 1:05 pm

    I don’t like Starbuck, but I can’t seem to fins an great alternative on every friggin’ corner, I don’t like Apple computers because I need a mouse with two buttons to push….As for the rest, I could wrap that up in this, “You don’t have to be politically correct and tell people to ‘Save Darfur’ while getting a manicure, young man!”

    Amusing post!

  14. mhm permalink
    October 22, 2009 5:53 am

    i agree with the whole mac thing, i can’t stand mac users stuck-up lifestyle. pc’s are arguably better in my opinion.

  15. charlie permalink
    October 25, 2009 9:14 pm

    hahhahaha i love how everyone bitches about everything you said. Everyone needs to stop taking satirical rants so seriously? But yes, most of the stuff you said is true.

  16. alli permalink
    October 28, 2009 3:21 am

    just fyi there are “casual” Mac fans out there. and i own a PC and a Mac thank you very much.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      October 28, 2009 8:23 pm

      Congrats bro.

    • Audre permalink
      November 16, 2009 12:01 pm

      just fyi to YOU alli, they said they’d never MET a casual mac fan. have you ever had a civilized conversation with the author? no? Then OBVIOUSLY it doesnt concern you.

    • angelica permalink
      March 20, 2011 8:24 pm

      why the fuck do you need a mac and a pc?

  17. Rachael permalink
    October 28, 2009 3:52 pm

    I loved this article, it made me laugh, witty and very true!

  18. Diana permalink
    October 28, 2009 4:51 pm

    If anything, this cracks me up! So much pinchin’ and biting, love it! I read this yesterday, but had to come back and read it again today after one of my sisters said “I could go for some Starbucks. The funny thing is that I don’t even like coffee, but I love the smell.” Although, that’s not exactly what you said. In any case, keep typing, you’re entitled to your opinion, too. ;D

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      October 28, 2009 8:24 pm

      Thank you :) I’m glad there are people in the world who understand jokes!

  19. Swoop permalink
    October 28, 2009 10:56 pm

    Apple and Pc being the same company; All I meant was they use microprocessors, monitors, operating systems and a million other things exactly the same. The differences are few and neither deserve to be backed by millions of people’s pride. Even worse for us that a commercial campaign could provoke so much B.S.. I’d say it’s the most successful advertising campaign in history. If we look at the actual differences they’re not enough to build a parade around the nation’s capitol. Like two finger scrolling on macs, I love it. Like Right-click on non-macs. Even though you could just apple+click. (mac knows what I mean). My PC hasn’t crashed since I bought it. Granted Internet Explorer has, but that’s a different story. Ultimately, most of us use our computers to surf the internet which undoubtedly looks the exact fucking same on any computer. And if your computer is crashing get it fixed because it’s not the manufacturer it’s the man. (or woman)

    And I would say that macs and pcs are more similar than say audi and staplers. Way more similar. I bet you couldn’t tell a mac or pc apart if the shell was removed. I’m just saying all this gay pride over two companies that rape our wallets. Itunes, ipod touch, blah blah. You know Microsoft is opening stores now called Microsoft. Actual retail outlets.

    • Audre permalink
      November 16, 2009 12:03 pm

      omg it liek swoop agen!!!!111 liek omfg hay swoop. watcha rantin bout nao?!

  20. Marc permalink
    October 28, 2009 11:09 pm

    not all mac owners are D bags, and PC makers have used young hip people to sell their products for years….from the “I’m a PC” ads of recent months way back to the “dude you’re getting a dell ads from years back”(i realize that guy is far from hip, but niether are dells)

  21. October 29, 2009 1:49 am

    “You know why Macs never get a virus? Because no one cares enough about Apple computers to make a virus for them.”

    My god!!! I’ve been saying exactly the same thing to all the Mac fans I know who keep trying to get me to go over to the “dark side”

  22. John permalink
    October 29, 2009 6:00 am

    I love how there is such an attitude of superiority in articles like this. I do understand the “joke”, but the context only proves the stupidity of your admiration of us. It’s just a funny way to show admiration to me. “Hey, we have so many stupid people here, and so many stupid things WE love. But since we are sheep, and believe everything we see on youtube, let’s keep calling American’s stupid, and preface it with “If you can’t take a joke”!”

    We all realize that whatever country you are from is the best on the planet. We get it. But the “small man’s disease” that most Euro countries stand by makes you all look more foolish than you realize. I think, one day, you will see what I mean. Until then, keep saying Americans are dumb. If that is what helps you sleep at night, by all means….but, the truth will actually set you free from ignorance.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      October 29, 2009 7:11 pm

      Are you retarded? I’m American. I was born in America and have never left the country. I am 100% American for like 5 generations. Don’t assume that because I can make fun of America I’m some crazy terrorist foreigner. Seems you are the ignorant one.

      • Audre permalink
        November 16, 2009 12:05 pm

        Personally, i find it hilarious when people disregard anything you’ve said and make assumptions based on your point of view. Its just so stupid how they talk in circles. aah….keep being retards my friends! it is QUITE enjoyable!

      • Tegan McRae permalink*
        November 16, 2009 10:21 pm

        I know, aren’t ignorant people the best? They choose to read one sentence that offends them and go off on that. Sheesh!

  23. Sebastian permalink
    November 15, 2009 4:23 am

    Haha that is so true, have a cry the rest of you guys…

  24. November 18, 2009 5:18 am

    I agree with most of the above. I DON’T own a Mac, however i disagree with your opinion on that,
    http://wp.me/pGSMe-bd
    for why visit that site.

    The WiredBoot.com team

  25. justine permalink
    November 19, 2009 3:24 am

    deserves a chucklee

  26. Sabine Wetzel permalink
    November 19, 2009 2:19 pm

    I think y’all just need to get a sense of humor. Your passion is wasted on this blog. Sorry.

  27. James permalink
    December 3, 2009 5:14 am

    Good stuff man. I laughed a good laugh.

    P.S. No-Doz > Coffee. Hell I’d mainline caffiene if I could get a proper IV setup.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      December 3, 2009 9:46 pm

      Thank you! And a coffee IV would be godly.

  28. James permalink
    December 3, 2009 5:16 am

    Ignorance is bliss, it would seem. e-kids get a kick out of that.

  29. BenjiK permalink
    December 5, 2009 8:48 am

    Hahaha, this made my night, at first it was like looking in the mirror, until the PC/Mac thing, I’m a PC, and I am just as cool as any mac ;-) and my computer is bright green
    caffeine is my life and will get it anywhere I can… I have a problem, and I will admit it lol, I too hate the over-hyped people thought my intentions are, “what is the fastest way to get caffeine in my body?”

    I think satire is the best way to show the flaws in society and though this was more of a rant rather than satire, I laughed my ass off even though some of the descriptions fit me XD

    btw, if you like wristbands and aren’t poor, give to charities that give you gifts back!
    now, I need to go and get coffee ready for the morning so I don’t eat somebody’s face off…. :-)
    thanks for the laugh, these are the times we need it most!!

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      December 6, 2009 7:53 pm

      I am glad there are people who can laugh at themselves :) Thank you!!!

      • BenjiK permalink
        December 7, 2009 5:38 am

        there’s no use in getting hung up over things!
        :-D

  30. BenjiK permalink
    December 5, 2009 8:48 am

    and the avvies make me happy too… now really going to bed

  31. December 6, 2009 2:47 am

    Here’s another stupid thing:

    LETTING THIS STUFF BOTHER YOU.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      December 6, 2009 7:54 pm

      Why would this bother me? It’s simply pointing out things I find funny in society. How about contributing something worthwhile if you have anything to say ;)

  32. December 6, 2009 12:22 pm

    He he he. Nice one my friend. I have nothing to add other than thanks for the fun.
    I’ll get back to my superiority with my Mac now. he he he.

    There is nothing offensive in fun, irrespective of who’s on the end of it….

  33. December 8, 2009 7:42 pm

    As funny as your blog post was, I thought the comments complaining about it were even funnier.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      December 8, 2009 8:12 pm

      They do provide a great laugh :)

    • Dissie permalink
      February 6, 2010 12:30 am

      I have to agree. I was just thinking. The rant is great, but the comments are hilarious!

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