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Abstinence Only Sex Education

November 4, 2009

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

There are quite a few states pushing for or are already enacting Abstinence-Only sex education. Do you think this is a good approach to cutting down on teen pregnancy, sexuality issues, and STDs? I’m concerned that if children are not learning about forms of birth control or how STDs are spread, they’ll grow up to be herpes infested, pregnant, confused adults.

Sincerely,
Mississippi Resident

Dear Mississippi Resident,

Everyone knows that the more knowledge a person has, the more power they have. Which is why evil knowledge, such as science, dinosaurs, and sex is what causes a person to be evil (like Hitler or the gays). The fact of the matter is, if we teach children about sex, all they are going to do is have it. Hormones are a myth. A woman shouldn’t even know that a penis exists until she is married at a proper age (20 if you’re in Mississippi, 13 if you’re in a polygamist cult). If children aren’t taught how sex works, they won’t ever be able to figure out how to have it. People obviously can never adapt or learn new things unless they are explicitly shown, and obviously they will surely never figure out that tab A goes into slot B despite that people and animals have been doing it naturally for thousands of years. Duh!

As for birth control, that is an evil created by pro-abortionists who want to secretly make everyone have an abortion. Did you know that condoms secrete a poison into sperm AKA little babies? And that the birth control pill is a tiny baby-seeking bullet? And that if a woman uses any form of birth control, she will be made infertile and thus useless to men and society forever?

STDs also have no place in sex education. STDs such as herpes and syphilis are viruses that only affect those who are Muslim/Jewish/gay/have sex before marriage. In fact, scientists make you believe that STDs are diseases that can be treated and sometimes cured, but in fact everyone carries all STDs, and they are activated as soon you have premarital sex.

The media is trying to fill the world with lies, saying that places that teach only abstinence have the highest teen pregnancy rates, but that is all lies. It just so happens that Satan’s minions flock to certain states. No correlation, at all, nope!

In conclusion, abstinence-only education is the only way to keep our country pure. Remember on your wedding night, after you have disappointingly short and awkward sex that is followed by years of hating your own body, infidelity in an attempt to seek out enjoyable sex, and horrible communication with your partner, that it was all worth it!

Keepin’ it cool,
Dr. Sangfroid

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 5, 2009 6:44 pm

    I think we should all become Shakers. They thought all sex was sinful and practiced abstinence. They also made terrific furniture, proving that in life, there are always tradeoffs.

  2. Le Templar permalink
    November 11, 2009 5:54 am

    This topic can be challenging to tackle with humor. You make a pretty good run at it, although Iwonder if you ever cross the line into just plain meanness or personal insults in a couple of places (which tends to turn off readers who are on the fence or willing to consider to your point of view). On the other hand, you sometimes have to go for the extreme to show just how absurb someone’s point of view is. It’s balancing act that opinion writers routinely struggle with. I certainly hope you will keep at it.

    • Tegan McRae permalink*
      November 11, 2009 8:29 am

      Thanks Le. I do try to stay away from outright insults and being mean. There’s a few topics I am passionate about and sex education is one them, so sometimes…yes I do cross the line. I’d rather cross the line though than fail to get my point across. I know there’s a happy mediam in there somewhere though…

      On my other blog, The Last Polka, I’m doing ‘nicer’ opinion pieces though, so experimenting with that.

  3. November 22, 2009 7:09 am

    Female Fan
    I’ve been a fan of playboy ever since i found a stack in my dad’s closet. Why? because the articles are great! that was years ago and i still fight my boyfriend for the chance to read it first. It’s one the few magazines left that you can really read. I’m so sick of the female magazines that tell you how to please your man and all that junk. you only hve to buy one mag and you know all the information for the next 11 issues.

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