Facebook Statuses Translated
Facebook gives people the opportunity to portray themselves in anyway they want-which is why most people take angled shots that hide their muffin top, list their career as “fashion consultant” instead of “Macy’s minimum wage employee”, and never say what they really mean in their update statuses:
“Men are dumb, totally done with them for the rest of the year!”
I’m single look at me look at me look at meeeeeee!
“Thinking of doing something crazy! Who wants to come??”
I’m going to log off Facebook chat and eat cheetos while watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model.
“What a crazy night.”
Please ask me about my night, at which point I will get an ego boost from the attention but only respond with, ‘Dude it was nuts, I was so wasted’ and never actually explain anything.
“I have the most amazing boyfriend/girlfriend!”
Take that, ex!
“I’m so tired/hungry/bored.”
I’m so tired/hungry/bored but also too lazy to leave Facebook.
“So done with this drama. Eff off, you crazy bitch!”
I thrive off drama, but am afraid of confrontation, so I hide behind Facebook.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, please forgive me…”
I did something dumb and regret it, but instead of being mature, I’ll air my dirty laundry on Facebook so that people can comfort me because I am vain.
Look at me I’m deep!
There is nothing else worthwhile in my life to post about.
“Going to the gym!”
Feel free to notice that I am really muscular next time you see me, since you know, I’m going to the gym. THE GYM!
“(insert moral or political issue/figure here) is SO DUMB!”
I have strong opinions but will not post anything logical or coherent about them. If you post something that is opposing my view in response, I will respond with ‘yeah well its different ya know’ or something equally vague, which just shows I know nothing about this issue.
Just want everyone to know I’m partaking in festivities, and totally not sitting around being boring. Ignore the obvious fact that I am doing something social, however occupying myself with Facebook.