Facebook Statuses Translated
Facebook gives people the opportunity to portray themselves in anyway they want-which is why most people take angled shots that hide their muffin top, list their career as “fashion consultant” instead of “Macy’s minimum wage employee”, and never say what they really mean in their update statuses:
“Men are dumb, totally done with them for the rest of the year!”
I’m single look at me look at me look at meeeeeee!
“Thinking of doing something crazy! Who wants to come??”
I’m going to log off Facebook chat and eat cheetos while watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model.
“What a crazy night.”
Please ask me about my night, at which point I will get an ego boost from the attention but only respond with, ‘Dude it was nuts, I was so wasted’ and never actually explain anything.
“I have the most amazing boyfriend/girlfriend!”
Take that, ex!
“I’m so tired/hungry/bored.”
I’m so tired/hungry/bored but also too lazy to leave Facebook.
“So done with this drama. Eff off, you crazy bitch!”
I thrive off drama, but am afraid of confrontation, so I hide behind Facebook.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, please forgive me…”
I did something dumb and regret it, but instead of being mature, I’ll air my dirty laundry on Facebook so that people can comfort me because I am vain.
“Meaningful quote”
Look at me I’m deep!
“Homework/class/school”
There is nothing else worthwhile in my life to post about.
“Going to the gym!”
Feel free to notice that I am really muscular next time you see me, since you know, I’m going to the gym. THE GYM!
“(insert moral or political issue/figure here) is SO DUMB!”
I have strong opinions but will not post anything logical or coherent about them. If you post something that is opposing my view in response, I will respond with ‘yeah well its different ya know’ or something equally vague, which just shows I know nothing about this issue.
“Drinking!!!”
Just want everyone to know I’m partaking in festivities, and totally not sitting around being boring. Ignore the obvious fact that I am doing something social, however occupying myself with Facebook.
The Sangfroid 
Very insightful. My personal favorite is “I’m spending quality time with hubby tonight,” to which, I think to myself: not so much, if you’re on fb. I always assume that means: Hubby is watching some lame movie. I’d rather be in the other room on the computer.”
Hmmm. All of your points seem to insult or attack someone in this piece. Do you really dislike Facebook? Do you think people shouldn’t be using it? I wonder if there’s anything funny about how people use it that’s not disparaging to them personally. Any quirks or just odd things that happen there?
Just so food for thought, anyway.
Keep up the good blogging!
I love Facebook, mostly because it allows me to feel much better about myself when I look at other people. Yes, I am mean, but I like to laugh at myself and I have been known to post a few of these as my own statuses. Mostly the odd or quirky things about Facebook have been overdone in Collegehumor type websites so I try to stay away from the jokes that have been everywhere. Thanks for the input Le (and Janice and Mike)! I appreciate it all!
Oh, I disagree with LeTemplar, who was great in “The Saint,” but has obviously let himself go (Just teasing you, sir). I loved this one in particular:
“So done with this drama. Eff off, you crazy bitch!”
I thrive off drama, but am afraid of confrontation, so I hide behind Facebook.
and this one:
“Thinking of doing something crazy! Who wants to come??”
I’m going to log off Facebook chat and eat cheetos while watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model.
Oh my God! If I cry as much as I just laughed, I’ll die. I almost died anyway. You are just the best Tegan. This post is so funny. I love it.
MikeWJ is right on too.
Le, I love you, but this is funny. It’s nothing personal to Facebook.
Enough said. Thanks Tegan. I really, really needed that.