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Texas: We Want To Know Where Your Dick Is Going

June 28, 2010

The GOP has recently become very interested in your sex lives,  my Texan neighbors.

The Republican party of Texas has voted on a platform that would outlaw the following:

  • Anal sex
  • Oral sex
  • Same-sex marriages
  • Pornography
  • Strip clubs

That’s right, the GOP of Texas seems to think its totally okay to regulate where your dick goes and where you can look at tits.

I just want to say, WHY STOP THERE, GOP? At the risk of sounding like a dang dirty socialist, we should extend this platform to include the following:

  • Sex in the missionary position between the hours of 8pm and 10pm only (no weekends or holidays)
  • Long skirts and sweaters for all women at all times
  • No lingerie sales, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
  • Children under the age of 15 must not see their opposite gender until their 15th birthday, at which point girls can be married off for a dowry.
  • Big red “A” tattoos on females who commit adultery. Men do not cheat, they are only seduced.
  • Anyone caught with their dick somewhere other than a married, virgin vagina will be burned at the stake.
  • Let’s just remove the genitals of anyone after their first 2 kids regardless, okay?

So sleep safe Texas, knowing that at anytime, a lawmaker could be peering through your window, making sure you and your partner aren’t having dirty, nasty consensual sex that goes against the natural ways of the Texas law.

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32 Comments leave one →
  1. Jamie permalink
    June 28, 2010 3:36 am

    Oh goodness, what has Texas voted on?

    Were these laws just kind of sneaked into the bill? Did they know what exactly they were voting on?

    • Dr. Sangfroid permalink*
      June 28, 2010 4:37 am

      From what I understand this hasn’t passed into actual law, it’s more a platform that the Texas GOP is in support of. I’m sure if it does get far, we’ll hear more about it.

    • Charlotte permalink
      July 4, 2010 1:49 am

      My state makes me weep. Did you know there are more homosexuals in Dallas than there are in San Francisco? (Well, I mean, there’s more people overall, of course, but we have a sizable gay district).

      Not only would I have to quit my job (stripper), but I’d also be unable to continue college. If this passes, I’m going to have to pull an Erykah Badu stunt. Hell, maybe she’d help us stage the protest.

      Here’s the worst part about it: being a stripper, I know for a fact that many politicians, lobbyists, etc. frequent strip clubs. When I was in Austin, I personally gave dances to lobbyists, lower level officials, off-duty police officers, etc. ALL THE TIME. Hypocritical sons of bitches, the lot of them.

      I don’t think it will get anywhere, but if it does, it’s going to get very nasty. There’s far more of “us” (since, in this case, people who enjoy oral sex and pornography are lumped in with the rest of us “sinners”) than them, despite all the noise conservatives make.

      Hah…..it’s……..it’s 2010, isn’t it?

  2. Ashley permalink
    June 28, 2010 6:38 am

    I actually went through and read about 75% of the GOP (its too long and I have a life and need sleep, seeing as i’m only online at night). When I got to the part about outlawing sodomy and oral sex my first thought was “Are you kidding? How the hell are you going to outlaw that?! And what punishment will there be? $500 fine?”

    While I agree on some parts of the Texas GOP, most of it was a load of bullcrap.

    • Matt permalink
      July 2, 2010 1:45 pm

      GOP means Grand Old Party which is another name for the Republican Party.

  3. June 28, 2010 11:18 am

    Good grief! And how do they propose to regulate this if it were to get in? Spycams in everyone’s bedroom nightstands?

  4. Stephanie permalink
    June 28, 2010 6:05 pm

    Sodomy is already illegal in the state of Texas and were forced to call them personal massagers . . . This is nothing new?

    • Michelle permalink
      July 20, 2010 7:02 pm

      Sodomy is no longer illegal in Texas as of about 4-5 years ago. Can’t remember the name of this case where the ban was overturned, but i’m sure it’d be easy to look it up.

      I rejoiced that day that Texas was finally catching up to the 19th century ethics!

      • Billy permalink
        December 1, 2010 12:01 pm

        It was the 2003 Lawrence vs Texas case, the United States Supreme Court ruled in a 6 to 3 motion that the Texas sodomy laws were unconstitutional and this had the effect of nullifying all sodomy laws in the US. Furthermore, the Lawrence case overturned a previous US Supreme Court ruling from 1986 where the court upheld sodomy laws in Bowers vs Hardwick. Writing for the majority in Lawrence, Justice Kennedy stated “Bowers was not correct when it was decided, and it is not correct today. It ought not to remain binding precedent. Bowers v. Hardwick should be and now is overruled.”

  5. Matthew permalink
    June 28, 2010 6:59 pm

    This from the party calling for less government regulation? I guess that when it come to our health or income, they want politicians and law makers to keep their hands to themselves, but when it comes our dicks, vaginae, assholes, and tits, they welcome the opportunity to get fucked…

    • Dr. Sangfroid permalink*
      June 29, 2010 3:30 am

      That’s what really bugs me about the majority of America’s republican party. Most aren’t Libertarian AT ALL! I would support the party much more if they stopped trying to enforce their morality on the rest of us through government.

  6. ally permalink
    June 28, 2010 8:27 pm

    I honestly cannot see this going anywhere. They can’t outlaw or ban anything like that, no one would ever vote to pass that. The only one that I see that can go anywhere is the same sex marriages or strip clubs.

  7. June 28, 2010 9:08 pm

    Really? Outlaw pornography and oral?

    HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE BOYS LIKE ME NOW?

    Texas is full of stupid cowboys are too busy screwing “lil doggies” to bang their wives, who are nailing the Mexican pool boys, and therefore learn that most of the things they’re trying to ban are enjoyable.

    Except for that anal thing, but that’s none of the government’s business anyways.

  8. Tara Pressley permalink
    June 29, 2010 12:45 am

    I thought same sex marriage was already illegal in Texas? I do not see any logic to these potential laws! I will not accept the government priding further into my private life. That includes telling people who they can and cannot marry and what forms of intercourse they can or cannot do with someone. That is extremely invasive and against our human rights.

  9. June 29, 2010 1:46 am

    But if they outlaw all of this, where in the world will the GOP get their urges filled? Oh, well – guess they’ll have to do it in D. C., huh?

  10. June 29, 2010 7:13 am

    Not surprised at all, it’s Texas… did you forget about the GOP platform on the offenses for these acts?

    1) Electrocution to the genitals/breasts
    2) Castration
    3) Death Penalty

    of course it’s not uncommon to just skip right to three

    • Michelle permalink
      July 20, 2010 7:16 pm

      not that i’m doubting you, but i don’t remember reading anything like that in the platform. Where do you find it?

  11. Matt permalink
    July 2, 2010 1:49 pm

    I’m a big time liberal but I just don’t know the truth behind this. They can’t enforce it so I highly doubt that it’s ‘part of their platform.’

  12. Megan permalink
    July 3, 2010 7:48 am

    As a liberal who was born and raised in the state of Texas I have to say that this unfortunately is very true and that even though I truly do love my state, too many of it’s politicians have completely flawed and outdated views. I wish they could just leave their big fat noses out of people’s business. No one should be able or even want to criminalize sexual behavor (unless it is deviant such as pedophilia.) And I can tell you that probably the majority of all the Texas Republican Party have probably already committed these acts that they disagree with.

  13. July 3, 2010 8:34 am

    I don’t know how they wouold be able to enforce this, unless ‘good neighbors’ are called in to spy on everyone; something which has happened in the past elsewhere. However, oral and anal sex are both illegal in other States too, so Texas is merely dragging along behind.

    Love & Kisses, Viki.

  14. jill permalink
    July 3, 2010 3:33 pm

    source please? This doesn’t seem accurate. And there are a lot of laws in TX that are just there and have been there since the “olden days”

  15. Mojo Rising permalink
    July 6, 2010 12:20 pm

    My God. I suddenly feel so much better about my state. Thanks for letting me know that my dick still has some rights and i should enjoy them till my Goverment takes them away. Poontang, here i come.

  16. July 9, 2010 5:10 am

    Good God! If you outlaw anal sex and oral sex, then only outlaws will have anal and oral sex. I tell you what, they’ll have to pry my dead, smoking penis from my cold, dead hands before they take away anal sex and oral sex.

    Or something like that.

  17. lvleph permalink
    July 10, 2010 12:30 am

    Sex toys are illegal too.

    • Michelle permalink
      July 20, 2010 7:21 pm

      Yep. they can only be sold as novelty items.
      Oh, how i loathe my state. Yet I will never leave. I think I like the fight.

  18. Хейли permalink
    July 10, 2010 5:52 am

    I wont last long.

    It wont all pass. That’s for sure.

    My cousins live there, too bad for them.

    Goes against are right too, privacy act.

  19. Kelley permalink
    July 10, 2010 6:34 pm

    Can somebody PLEASE tell me what is happening to this world? Why is it that there are so many people out there trying to manipulate others? I wish I had my own country, people would actually be fucking free.

  20. Michelle permalink
    July 20, 2010 7:07 pm

    IF this was actually allowed to become a law (I seriously doubt it will), then it would only be used as a tool to persecute homosexuals. It wouldn’t be something that law enforcement sought people out for to give them fines.

    The law banning sodomy was overturned a few years ago in Texas as a result of the only case (that I know of) in which the state actually arrested someone for performing the act. In that scenario, cops barged into a hotel room whether they knew 2 gay men were, caught them in the act, and took them to jail…the charge was sodomy.

    And that is how the GOP was able to get it into their bill…because all of the followers know what it will be used for. The reasons listed in the platform for why there should be a ban on homosexuality are disgusting. I suggest that any republican read through the platform thoroughly if you’re going to support it. It’s not that long and it’s a simple read. KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SUPPORTING!

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