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Honest New Year’s Resolutions

December 29, 2010

New Year’s Eve is near, and with it comes thousands of people picking themselves up from the gloominess the holidays often leave us. “A New Year!” They exclaim, “A chance to better myself!”

Let’s be real. We more enjoy the idea of bettering ourselves than the actual process, and we certainly enjoy making resolutions and looking at the prospect of becoming a better person and creating a better life.

By March, most of us can’t even remember what our resolutions were.

This year, let’s just write our resolutions honestly.

“Lose 15 pounds”
“Get a gym membership and go for a month. See no progress, give up and go back to being comfortable with my body until the holidays.”

“Call my parents twice a week.”
Call my parents twice a week for two weeks until I remember why I never called them that much in the first place.”

“Save money from every paycheck and put it toward a new car.”
“Save money from every paycheck, put it toward booze when friends come into town.”

“Eat healthy.”
“Spend time researching what ‘eating healthy’ is. Don’t entirely understand if cheez-its are all that non-healthy. Cut out McDonald’s, substitute it with cheez-its.”

“Spend more time with my friends.”
“Call friends to hang out, discuss how you all share the goal to hang out more. After a month, realize that life is busy, but appreciate the effort.”

“Blog more.”
“Blog a bunch in January until winter break is over. Pick it up again in the summer.”

“Stop procrastinating.”
“Find more creative ways to procrastinate so it doesn’t feel like I am.”

“Do one good thing a day.”
“Have extremely loose regulations on what a “good thing” is considered. Staying in bed all day and eating chips counts as a good thing, right?”

“Quit smoking.”
“Quit smoking so damn much.”

“Go to church every Sunday.”
“Go to church for a few Sundays. Realize not much has changed since every Sunday you were forced to go as a kid. Buy a bible as a sufficient substitute for church every week. Feel satisfied with this alternative.”

“Get organized.”
“Buy one of those snazzy planners from Borders. Attempt to organize life. Realize you can only control so much, and that you understand your own chaos. Forget about snazzy planner.”

4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2010 7:20 pm

    Last year’s resolutions:

    -Be able to run one mile.
    -Talk less shit.

    …yeah, none of that happened.

  2. December 30, 2010 8:32 pm

    Pretty fucking funny, Sangfroid! I can related to every one of these resolutions, and I’ve broken them all in exactly the way you describe. It’s kinda sad, but at least now I know I’m not alone.


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